Reflection...

I haven’t taken enough time to reflect lately. That has really changed since my grad school days- I always had professors challenging me and encouraging me to reflect on everything that we were learning; that would lead to a reflection on where I was at that point in my life and lead down so many other avenues.

As I write I am sipping hot chocolate- a Fall staple of mine- listening to the rain and waiting for two little babies to wake from morning naps…well, I guess three babies to wake if I count Sweet Pea. I totally feel like the planets have aligned and all is right in my small little world.

That is a far cry from last week… I started watching my cousin’s precious baby girl about a week ago. With me staying at home, I feel obligated to pay the medical bills for Sweet Pea (this is totally stemming from me; Chris would never expect or want me to find a way to pay for our baby, but at times I don’t feel like I am contributing…) so, along side of the photography gig that I mostly float, I wanted to make sure that I would have a set amount of “income” to save. Robin was headed back to work and I offered to watch her new little baby! Really, it will be great for Eli in the long run and has already been great for me. There was so much that I forgot about this short stage.

Eli had a really bad day- no naps equal no fun for this momma. I was left wondering what in the world we were thinking wanting to have another so soon. Really, the baby was a piece of cake compared to the terror that was Eli that day. I think I cried for an hour and a half that night while Chris listened to all the fears that I had of bringing home another baby…one that didn’t go home at the end of the day. I felt guilty for not being able to devote my full attention to Eli, guilty for not taking full advantage of all the time that we did have that I have wasted…the list went on and on. Poor Chris; he just had to listen and reassure me. Those moments with him I treasure; I am so glad I married him. What a wonderful person to spend the rest of my life with.
Thankfully, I woke that morning refreshed and calm. Eli has been pretty wonderful ever since. I think he is getting use to the baby and he is really a great helper.

Chris and I talked last night about how different this pregnancy is from the last. I would constantly be thinking about Eli, sing to him, read to him. Sweet Pea just likes to kick around a lot to make sure I remember she is there. I wonder if we will take as many pictures of her, blog as much about her…all of those little things that seem to become less frequent the more kiddos you have. Chris and I are vowing to find a set amount of time each week to think about our new baby girl…we will see if we can make it happen.

I can’t believe that I have been staying at home for just over a year. I really don’t even know if I am technically just a stay-at-home mom anymore. Sometimes I feel so overtaken by the photography stuff that I feel like it is my first job. That is totally not what we are going for, so we will be taking a break from our shoots starting in the middle of December through February. After that we will only be taking two shoots a week…no matter what. I really feel like if I wanted this to be my full-time job it could be, but I gave up my career in a reason. I am not about to stick Eli in daycare so that we can take on more work- I would go get a job in my actual field first. I miss High Ed. I can’t let myself look at the job postings or thoughts would creep in about going back to work; thoughts like how much faster our mortgage would be paid off, getting Chris a new car, saving more, re-doing our kitchen… I can come up with a very convincing argument. Then I see Eli (smile)…I know this is worth it. I know I will never wish I would have worked more. I know I will treasure every second that I got to spend at home with him- he is already growing so fast…

And so, that is the way I justify giving up my career for the next how-ever-many years. I am comfortable with that; not joyous, but comfortable. A justified sacrifice. I wish I could be that stay-at-home mom who just relishes in the home environment, but I am not…;)