Thursday, November 04, 2010

I needed to read this today.

Excerpt from Bring the Rain
"On a related note, I've been struggling with a lot of fear related to Charlotte. I was sharing with my sister in law the other night about how Charlotte has started flipping over to sleep on her stomach and for awhile I would go in every half hour and put her back on her back. Again. And again. And again. I could feel myself starting to panic whenever I walked into the room, my mind telling me that she might not be breathing anymore. Finally, after I had done this more times than I can say, I felt the Lord stop me midway over to her and say gently, "Angie. How long will you do this?"

So instead of turning her over I sat on the floor and prayed. And prayed. And prayed.

And then I closed the door behind me and took Him at His word. I know that God is good, and that He doesn't go off duty and let things just fall apart. He has a plan for Charlotte, and whatever that plan is will not be enhanced by me obsessing over every single thing I think I can do to control her safety. It's appropriate to be cautious and responsible, but I can't let myself believe that it's up to me...but that is so hard."

I was reading one of the blogs that I follow today (above) and this part really spoke to me. I can totally relate because I feel myself starting to panic about our upcoming delivery of "Sweet P". I find myself questioning our decision to attempt a VBAC over and over again. I know that a successful VBAC is less risky than a planned C-section, but on the other hand a C-section resulting from an unsuccessful VBAC is more risky than a planned C-section, not to mention a few more side effects for the baby that I thank God I didn't know about with Eli. All of that on top of the fact that a C-section limits the number of babies you can have safely....but I digress.

Honestly, I don't think I can do it. There, I said it out loud. It is hard to think that it is possible for me to have a natural birth when no other women on my mother's side of my family could. I have prayed for God to take away my desire to have a natural birth and my desire to have a big family, but the more I think about not being able to have another baby after this one, the more upset I get. Honestly, if we end up with a C-section I might be asking about adoption information while recovering in the hospital.

Anyway, I just wanted to share because I know that we are all going through things in our life that we have a hard time letting go of. Hope this helps.


Kayla said...

I will be praying for you. I didn't realize this was weighing so heavily on your mind. Also, I follow a blog (barefootinthekitchen) and she has had FOUR successful and planned c-sections! God IS in control of you and sweet baby girl Pirtle and all the other Sweet P's that will come after her!