Wednesday, May 11, 2011

It is easier to love your second…

I made myself sit down and write out a blog tonight. Our schedules are getting a bit on the ridiculous side again…no matter how hard we try to keep our time in check. I am sooo far behind our blog post (including Ileigh’s 3 month blog, Eli, our trip to San Antonio, and even all the way back to St. Patrick’s Day and Spring Break), then I think I have 3 more photo shoots to edit, and three more shoots in the book for this Saturday. I should be working on pictures. I am not.


It is easier to love your second child. Not exactly the typical Post-Mother’s Day blog.

If you know me, you know that I can talk about my little ray of sunshine, Eli ALL DAY LONG. He is such a joy and has shown me depths (and debts) of love that I have never in my life known to exist. My love for Eli has made God’s love for me (and you, and everyone) so much more real; deep and wide.

It didn’t start that way. Sometimes I don’t feel like a good mother. I really didn’t feel like a good mother in the early months of Eli’s birth when I was so tired I couldn’t see straight, over-whelmed, nervous, stressed and tired. I had absolutely no idea what in the world I was doing, or what I had gotten myself into.

Being a mom was is hard. With Eli, I always felt I was being watched, judged even. I was so preoccupied with making sure I was doing everything everyone else thought was right it was difficult to enjoy anything about the newborn stage. If there was a book on it, I had read it. A theory of thought, I had researched it. I remember that my love came out of obligation…I loved him because he was my son. It was much later til that obligatory love turned into what I consider a “mother’s love”. It is almost like you start falling in love and it is the coolest thing ever. For me, it was around the 3-4 month mark. When you are getting into a routine, know what to expect and start receiving huge heart-melting smiles and coos as a repayment for the lack of sleep and hours of crying.

I am always in awe of those mothers whose love just seems for flow from them; proudly announcing that they are in love with their little one before they are born or just moments after birth. I wish I would’ve been more like that. If there are others like me out there, please know, it is easier to love your second.

It is amazing how much more quickly you know what to do. You are a little more grown-up and realize that no one really “knows” what they are doing. As soon as you get one thing figured out it will change; adaptation is the key. No one way is the sure-fire right way 100% of the time and the sooner you let go of your picture perfect ideals, the sooner you will learn the beauty of a dirty, messy reality.

All of those expectations that I put on myself, my husband and on my baby where easily dropped and forgotten with the second bundle. Ha! Who knows, maybe by kiddo 3 or 4 I will be totally in love with them when I see them for the first time!

And, it just keeps getting better. I am so excited for Ileigh to get to the same stage Eli is in now…and then to see what the next stage holds for Eli. Just when it seems like I can’t love him anymore; that my heart is so full it will burst, he steals my heart again. What a joy; what an honor to be able to be a mother.

Thank you, God for my two beautiful children. Thank you for giving me the opprotunity to be a mother. Help me be the mother they need.