Thursday, February 03, 2011

So, now what…

Well, we are home; things are getting into a routine again. My mom will be leaving soon and I will be a stay-at-home mommy of two kiddos.

I just want to take a little time to reflect on everything that happened over the last few weeks. Sometimes I am guilty of not taking an opportunity to look back, but instead fix my eye on some other task that needs to be completed; we miss a wonderful opportunity to learn when we do that.

First of all, thank you. Thanks to the many responses that I got to my post about struggling with the idea of another C-section. It is so wonderful to hear that a lot of women don’t have their “perfect” labor experience. I think that we all feel so much pressure to be so happy and joyful about our new baby that we feel like we can’t express our disappointment when things don’t go as planned. I seriously had no idea that so many other people I knew went through the same thing or similar things.

Thank you for allowing me to share what was on my heart. If you know me, you know that I am really a private person. I am not one to openly say what I am feeling at a given moment, especially if there are emotions that are tied with it. Really the only person that I truly let my guard down for is Chris, and there are times with him that it is really hard. I learned so much just from sharing this one issue. Thank you. Just to feel so much love and support took me completely by surprise.

I was so ready for all of the drama to be over! Into the wee hours of the morning the night after my last doctor’s appointment, Chris and I decided that we were going to hand everything over to God- if He wanted a natural delivery to happen, He was going to make it happen in those two days. The next morning I gave an update to my Wednesday morning Bible study group and at the end of the class they got around me in a circle and prayed for Ileigh and I. I was totally at peace about what was going to happen. During nap time I read over my devotional for that day- it pretty much said “lose the expectation that you deserve a perfect life”. Ouch. That pretty much shut me up from whining about the C-section totally. That night, Chris’ parents came to watch Eli and Chris took me to dinner. I started having contractions earlier that day, but didn’t want to tell anyone. By the time we went to dinner I was in ton of pain and we started timing them. They were strong and consistent; we thought about going to the hospital or at least calling the doctor. I kept telling Chris that I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I was…and so was he. Of course they stopped in the middle of the night, but were hard and strong when I got up that morning.

Chris got up at 5 to make me breakfast, even though I told him not to. I was shocked when he came and woke me up with a plate full of pancakes. I think I cried. I told Chris that we would go to the hospital at noon as planned and then have them check me before they started anything. If I hadn’t dilated at all then we would go ahead with the C-section. The morning flew by and before I knew it, we were packing the car to drive to the hospital. I think I only really broke down and cried twice. They checked me and nothing had changed. I tried not to be devastated. That was exactly the sign I was looking for that we should go ahead and get this whole thing over.

I wasn’t brave or strong. I love being pregnant- I would have been pregnant for another month, but the emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs was exhausting. I didn’t want to go through with it. I told Chris twice “I don’t want to do this” laying in the prep room hooked up to an IV (Isn’t that just awful? I can’t imagine the pressure that put on him). As I walked into the operating room and they were prepping to put in my spinal I contemplated how much trouble it would be for me to just tell everyone to stop and for us to go home. But of course I didn’t say anything. I just waited for Chris to get there.

I will say, the whole C-section experience was SO much better this go-round. People said it would be better- I am glad they were right. Chris was phenomenal. He brought one of Eli’s stuffed animals to lay by my head when he had to leave with Ileigh. He said he and Eli didn’t want me to be alone. He had told me earlier that was one thing that tore him up after reading my blog… he had no idea I had felt that way. He stayed with me and made the nurses wait until he was sure that I was okay with him leaving. He kissed me and wiped away my tears…I have never felt more loved. God, I love that man.

It made such a difference that Chris knew what was going on in my head. Moral: TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE- even if it is two years later. Chris had no reason to know how I felt about everything and honestly, until I worked through all my emotions, I didn’t really know how I felt either. It can be so much easier to push our emotions down and try to forget them than actually dealing with them.

I have learned so many lessons through all of this and that was one of the bigger ones. So many times I just expect Chris to know how I feel- that he loves me a little less when I have to tell him everything. Hopefully, this will help me work through other situations and then actually be able to express my feelings to him.

The doctor did say that everything looks good to have another baby in the future. He told me that twice during surgery and twice while I was in the hospital in recovery. I am so very thankful for that.

Anyway, this is way wordier than I imagined. Overall, I think that I am doing well handling everything. It is really hard to give up the dream of having a natural birth; I still have to remind myself to step back and look at the big picture. I question why everything happened the way it did, but then I see a woman unable to carry a child and my heart aches for her. It also helps to have a sweet little face to remind me of what to truly be thankful for.

And there you go. My wrap-up. I am already glad I shared everything we were going through just for the shear realization on my part that I am not alone. I also hope that it brings a little light to someone else going through the same thing or something similar. Thanks for reading…