Here she is after the race- she ran hard. Thanks so much for letting us come watch you run, Pey! Happy birthday!I have delayed writing this post for awhile. It is passed due for my 6 month check-up.
It has been a little over 6 months since I started staying home with Eli as a stay-at-home mom. Honestly, I have put off writing about this because I think about it a lot. Should I stay at home? When do I want to go back to work? Am I really making a difference in Eli’s life by staying home? These questions circulate in my head on almost a daily basis. For those of you that haven’t had to make this decision, I have to tell you, it is a really hard one to make. Sometimes I am jealous that my husband gets to have his career and that I will wait years to start mine. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not “contributing” by making money. Other times I think about how quickly we could be paying off our house and building our savings if I were working. Sometimes I just miss people, having my opinion heard, and having people ask me about my work….has anyone else noticed that when someone finds out you stay at home, their conversation with you goes nowhere quickly, and instead they start asking your husband about their day? Oh, is that just me? Bummer.
Is staying at home what I thought it would be? For the most part, yes. I didn't think that my days would be glamorous or easy to begin with. The days can be really long, especially when Chris is working late. I get tired of Eli and he gets tired of me. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, errand running and Eli.
Am I going to go back to work? Without hesitation, yes. I will go back to work someday. That day, (right now) however will not come unless I have to, or all of our kiddos are in school. I love what I do. I worked hard to get my Master's degree and I have every intent to actually use it!
Do I still want to have a ton of kids? God-willing, yes! I still want my 4-5 kiddo family. I can’t wait for the day when I get to announce that we are expecting again!
How has it affected my relationship with Chris? It would be wrong of me to say that my staying at home hasn’t affected our relationship. We try very hard to grow together as our world around us changes so much...we just talked about that last night, as a matter of fact. Merging his work life and my stay-at-home life is diffcult at times. There are expectations that are different now that I stay at home, and rightly so. I am sure that it is hard for him to miss these moments with Eli, so I try to give them alone time too. I have just started taking over all of our money accounts, so that is helping me see where our money goes and what we can and cant afford.
Am I fulfilled? As a mom and a wife, yes, I am fulfilled- my husband is utterly amazing and Eli is just incredible. Yet, there is some part of me that wants to go volunteer in a Chinese orphanage or go on a mission trip for 3 weeks. I know that there is no way that can happen at this stage in my life, and I am looking forward to the day that it can happen.
Let me add that I am very grateful to have this opportunity. Very grateful. I know that there are mothers and fathers alike that would love to stay at home with their children. I also know that Chris and I make sacrifices for me to stay at home. Actually, this is all part of a big plan that we had when Chris quit his band directing career. We both knew that there were scary sacrifices that we had to make to make this opportunity happen and we did it. We still make sacrifices so that I can stay home…I know, I know, I am sure that all of you thought that Chris made a ton of money and everything was peaches and cream for us, right? We are, very, very blessed, but I think that you would be surprised to know just how much the average lawyer makes these days. We budget, watch our spending, and save like crazy. We say “no” to a lot of “wants”. We all make choices, I guess.
Some days I feel like I am wasting time. I want to have all of our children, get them in school and get back into my career. Then there are other days when I am sorting though Eli’s baby clothes and I can’t believe how fast this all has gone by.
Does this post seem a little bitter or negative?
I don’t mean for it to. I am just honestly telling how I feel. I know that I could apply for a job today and go back to work and Chris would support me either way and Eli would do just fine in daycare.
There are these moments that I stick around for, these moments that take my breath away and make me wonder what I could have done to deserve this amazing gift. The moments when Eli runs to me with the biggest smile on his face holding his favorite book trying to climb in my lap so that I can read to him, or when he is so proud of himself for learning something new. The way he just beams when I go into his room to see if he is up from his nap…I would hate to have those moments taken away all because I wanted to go back to work a few years earlier.
I have been working on a few projects recently.
First, here is Eli's Easter outfit that I made from a $2.00 shirt from Walmart and an old, donated shirt from Eli's uncle Baff.
It is really hard for me to spend $20.00 on an outfit for Eli...and many of the things I looked at were way over that amount. So, I got creative. I know that the time will come when we will have to buy him expensive clothes, but I am going to try to hold out for as long as I can. Really, he would only wear it once anyway, right?
He wanted to show off his new outfit and his stellar riding skills.
No words can express how excited I was to have my OU gals come and visit. I have missed them so much and it was so fun to catch up! These girls were my rocks through grad school; in all but one of my classes one if not all of these ladies were there. I remember how we all bonded too...it was over a 30 or 40...(it seemed like 100) page mid-term admin project. I remember sitting at our kitchen table with these ladies going over every last detail of that assignment and book-Until Proven Innocent. After that torture, I knew we would be friends for life- ha!
These ladies are not like me...they are all from huge cities...I am from the sticks. :D That is okay, I know they love me for it.
So, what did I take them to do? Well, we had to go spray paint some Cadillacs, of course!
I have to say, this might have been the best month with Eli yet. It was just so amazing this month; I felt like every time I turned around Eli was learning something new. It was so rewarding and fulfilling to see all of our hard work paying off.
I can really tell that he understands what I am saying. He will point to a banana, say "nana" and smile when I pick it up and give it to him. He takes the remote from the living room to the solar system in his room and points that he wants it to start (We thought that the solar system was broken, but our clever little boy showed us that the TV remote turned it on). When I ask him to get his ball from all his other toys, he will go across the room to get it. When we are reading his books, I point to a pair of shoes and ask him where they go, he will grab his feet. He knows where my nose is and where his nose is...the list grows every day. He was starting this all about a month and a half ago, but this month you can really tell that those connections are there and more consistent.
Last week we walked all around Walmart saying all of our words and saying "hi" to everyone we passed. My heart was overflowing! We walked passed the bananas and he pointed and said "nana". I was so proud of him. I need those moments to keep me focused while I am with him at home; it can seem that I am so useless and unimportant sometimes staying at home, but milestones like this help.
He has also started climbing on everything! It is a little nerve-racking, but I know it is all part of exploring and growing. He is so proud of himself when he gets up on whatever it is...it is adorable!
The best moments right now are when he wants to read his books. We have a few paper books on a shelf in his room. When I ask him if he wants to read his books he gets a huge smile on his face, drops whatever he is doing at that moment, runs into his room and points up to that shelf. I get down his two favorites, let him pick one and go sit down. He brings the book to me with the biggest smile on is face and then tries to climb up in my lap...awww...I hope moments like these last a long time!
Here is a picture of what I found when I came around the corner one morning last week...he was so proud; I had to snap a picture before helping him down.
I don't know if Chris can ever top my 25th birthday, but he came really close this year.
While we were driving home from Lubbock, he suggested that we go out to eat when we got back into town. I was really tired and just wanted to go home, but I agreed thinking that we would just have to cook something when we got home anyway.
As we got closer to town, he suggested that we go let the dogs out and then head to the restaurant. I told him that if we did that we wouldn't make it to the restaurant before they closed. He kept making excuses to go to the house and honestly I was getting a little annoyed, but I said that we could stop by the house.
I pulled up to the house and he raced inside to use the bathroom- the excuse that I finally gave into and let him go by the house.
All of the sudden he comes running out of the house saying that our dogs had thrown-up all over our house. Immediately I knew something was up. Our dogs have never done anything like that. I got out of the car and as I turned the corner in the kitchen everyone yelled "surprise!"
I have to say I was shocked. I might be a bit of a prier; I often interrogate people until I squeeze every bit of information out of them. It is hard for Chris to ever really surprise me, but I was totally in the dark on this one.
This little guy was so, so awesome! We pushed and pushed him that day. He only got a little nap and I was just waiting for a huge meltdown, but it never happened.
The Raths came! I was super excited! They had to leave early, so we snapped this picture. Look at Kayla, isn't she the cutest little pregnant lady?!?!
Here is everyone, minus the Raths
