This will not steal my joy.

(*just a warning- this is a long and wordy post; you probably won’t make it to the end- I don't care, writing is the outlet I need right now.)

I remember well the night before our scheduled induction with Eli. We had family in town ready to meet our little bundle the next day. We were almost 2 weeks over our due date and everything on our list had been checked off…we were totally prepared for a baby, the baby just wasn’t coming. That was one thing we couldn’t do anything about.

We had walked countless miles, ate spicy foods, increased other “activities”, even tried using castor oil…nothing worked. That night we lay in bed after almost an hour of walking. I remember that Chris prayed that I would go into labor that night, before our trip to the hospital that morning to be induced. It didn’t happen. I woke to my alarm, grabbed the seemingly useless “emergency-it-is-time!” hospital bag that had been packed for almost a month, and headed out the door. It was a long day ending in a C-section at almost midnight. I was totally disappointed. We had taken a natural birth class, knew all of the stats and we knew going into the induction that this would more than likely be our outcome. It didn’t make it easier.

The one thing I remember is laying in the freezing cold operating room. My fists were clenched so tight and I couldn't relax at all. Chris had just left the room following a little cart that held my son…my son- the one that had a huge head of hair. I didn’t think he would have hair. It seemed like an eternity lying there alone. I remember tears streaming down my face and I couldn’t wipe them- I don’t remember them as tears of joy, but of so many other emotions. All I wanted was for the surgeon to finish quickly and take me back to my room. I needed to see Chris, for him to tell me everything was okay.

I remember it so vividly; it was awful. I don’t want it to happen again.

I think the shock of the entire day took its toll on me. I was excited to meet our baby boy, but I was so disappointed that everything ended the way it did- I held on to the disappointment. I was in pain and swollen from a poorly monitored IV. I also looked like Rudolph due to an allergy reaction to the epidural that I had refused most of the day.

I remember that everything was really cloudy, I was really sleepy (from the allergy meds), but everything around me was moving so fast. Our family was there ooo-ing and awww-ing over our little Eli. I don’t remember holding him much. I watch Chris change his first diaper and learn to swaddle him. I was told not to move. Late the next day, Chris went to eat with his family and I was alone in the room; Eli was in the nursery. I was catching up on my daily blog reads and of course I happened upon one about a poor mother who had just lost her newborn baby. Instantly, there were tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe that I was sitting in my hospital bed pouting about my less-than desirable delivery when this poor woman had lost her baby. I asked the nurse to bring Eli to me and I spent the next hour with just him, alone. I felt so guilty that I had let my joy be taken away. The joy of having a healthy, beautiful baby boy that we had been planning for years.

It took me a few months, maybe even a full year to realize that they way you birth your child has no bearing on what kind of mother you will be. I had felt like a failure, and maybe I was as far as the actual delivery went. But, I know I am not a failure being a mother…that brings me more joy that any wonderful birthing experience ever will.

Today is Sweet P’s due date, and as I sit here typing, nowhere near being close to labor, I am dealing with the emotions of another seemingly inevitable C-section. Again, we have tried everything to induce labor and again, no baby. Induction really isn’t a good option at this point and we will find out tomorrow when we will meet our little girl. I am choosing to not let this steal my joy. I am choosing to believe that His ways are better than my own. I am choosing to have faith in my God who I have plead with for the last 9 months that this is the best outcome for me and for the baby. I am choosing to believe that we will be able to have more children; that this in no way will hinder our desire for a big family. This will not steal my joy.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9